Thursday August 7 - 2003

Posted By: IWANG Jack

Posted: 8/7/2003 5:48:37 PM

Comments: 0

Quick Update (12:00AM EST) Jack
Here's a quick update for you porn fiends out there.

At the Old folks home, there was an elderly woman, Myrtle, who was not quite mentally stable. Every so often the other residents would get an eyeful. It went like this: Myrtle would strip out of her clothes and run out into the hallway. At this point she would stop in her tracks, start gyrating and begin yelling, "Super Sex! Super Sex! Super Sex!" Most days, the orderlies would quickly throw a gown around poor old myrtle and take her back to her room, and that would be the end of it.

One day the Old folks home got a new resident, a friendly old man named George. George, who wished to get accustomed to his new residence as quickly as possible, asked about the goings on around the Home.
"Oh, things are pretty sweet here," said one of the orderlies. "You get three meals a day cooked for you, You can have visitors whenever you want, and there is an incredible duck pond out back. Although... you have to watch out for Myrtle."

George inquired about Myrtle, but all he could get out of anyone was a devilish, "Just wait and you'll see."

Several weeks pass, and then one day George was in his room, quietly reading a magazine. Out of the blue, In walks Myrtle, who had somehow made it all the way down the hall, wearing nothing but a smile. George is wondering what to make of all this when old Myrtle starts to gyrate around the room crying out, "Super Sex! Super Sex! Super Sex!"
Needless to say, Old George is a bit taken aback when in come the orderlies, throw a gown over the poor woman and escort her back to her room.

"Well George," Says one of the orderlies, "That was Myrtle. So what do you think?"

George ponders this for a moment, looks at the orderly, and says,
"To be honest, I think I'd rather have the Soup."

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A man calls home to his wife and says, " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss &; several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office &; I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following week-end he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box."

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The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love

Snappy Answers:

Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said Sir I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Men know.....that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know.....that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know.....that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know.....that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.

Men know.....never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know.....that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know.....how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know.....exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know.....that from time to time, is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know.....that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.

Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know.....that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.

Men know.....that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi...

Men know.....that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know.....that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."