Peter Pindick

I think your girlfriend never complains because she's probably fucking a friend and obviously the gay guy at the gym wasn't impressed. So, let's try to figure out what we can do.

Here's what you need to - I call it the IWANG Penis test. Make sure you have each of the following:

1. A Footlong Hot Dog from the Deli
2. A Shot Glass
3. A pencil
4. A Hammer

The first test is the John Holmes Test. Take your prick and watch some porn until it gets nice and hard. Then take the Hotdog, if your dick is as big as the hotdog, your fine, if not, go onto the next test.

For the second test, take the shot glass from the open end try to put it on your dick like it's a hat. If it's too big to fit inside, you're probably o.k. Otherwise go onto the next test.

For the third test, take the pencil out and compare it to your dick. If your dick is either shorter than or thinner than the pencil, move onto the fourth test.

For the fourth test, take the hammer and whack your cock with it a few times. If, with the swelling, you still don't pass tests 1 and 2 above, just give it up - because you my friend are a PIN DICK.